Tuesday, August 3, 2010

i'll always love you, no matter what


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Our first looks at each other, our first conversation, our first kiss. Our first text message and our first real talk. I'll never forget. Never forget the feelings and how perfect everything was. We could be awake and talk about everything until the next morning, we could talk in the cellphone for hours without having any words left to say and we could lay down for a very long time and just stare into each others eyes without saying anything. It was love. Real love.

We became closer and closer and when i thought it couldn't be better he whispered the three most beautiful words in my ear. He whispered "I love you" with a tear in his eye and said that he never thought he could have this feelings for anyone. It was the best moment of my life. I was in love. Terrible in love.
We talked about how our apartment would look like, what name our baby should have and that we are going to have a little kitten. Then we laughed for hours about what we just said.
We talked about everything and we laughed, cried and did things together. That was life. You were life. You were the best boyfriend ever and everything would have been meaningless if you weren't in my life. I would go to the moon, travel round the world and count all the stars. Just for you.

We were so equal you and me, but different at the same time. We had something that other people just could dream of.

I'll never forget how you said I was beautiful when i looked the most terrible than ever. And I'll never forget how special you made me feel. You had girlfriends before but I was the only one you fell in love with and I was the only one you ever cared about.

Every time I got a text message from you my heart stopped and every time I saw you called me I got a smile on my lips. You were mine.

But things changed. I can't count the sleepless nights and how many tears that have fell down on my cheek. I can't count how many times my heart got in thousand pieces and when everything felt meaningless. I have been so loved by you, but you have hurt me so badly at the same time. I never thought we would come to this part in our relationship were we don't show any respect and neither can live with or without each other. But now we stand here and don't know what's right or wrong. The only thing I know is that I'll always love you, no matter what.

Friday, July 30, 2010

wishful


sensing-owls

I was dating a boy in law school, just graduated college, was hired onto my first "real" job and looking for a place to live. I decided to go on Craigslist and search for a guy roommate. I had made an appointment to meet with a guy and told my boyfriend to call the cops if he did not hear from me within the hour. Probably not the smartest thing to look at a strangers apartment in the evening. I showed up to this cruddy looking apartment complex, knocked on the door and this dropped dead tall man opened it. It was love at first sight or I like to call it Lust at first sight. We started talking and instantly felt a connection; he asked me how soon I could move in, I told him that week.

I called my best friend after leaving the apartment to let her know I found him! the one I had been waiting 10+ years for. I knew that I needed to break up with my current boyfriend and in reality there was no way I was moving in with this gorgeous man, but i definitely wanted to date him. I called him 2 days later and confessed; I can't move in with you, take me out to dinner. he laughed and said "shouldn't I be the one asking you on a date" from the moment forward we dated. I pictured us moving in together, getting married having kids etc. I loved him with all my heart and soul, I woke up early in the morning made him breakfast, cleaned his room, went on all the trips he wanted to go on. He pushed me to be more adventurous; camping, white water rafting, biking..... Did everything that I thought would make him happy. I lost contact with 90% of my friends, but it was ok because his friends became my friends.

A year and half into the relationship I received a job offer with my dream company. It was a surf company that would allow me to travel and grow in my career. I took it! I begin to travel and notice myself becoming independent again the way I was before my world revolved around him. At one point we did not see each other for 3 weeks, the week we finally were back in each other’s arms I felt something different. So confused, my body felt drained. I realized for the 2 years we were together it was all about him, what made him happy, what he wanted to do, what was convenient to him. I broke up with him. He was so shocked and angry, but I told him I was exhausted. As much as I loved him, I needed the same love back. He drained me. It’s been a year since the break up and I there have been many times I begged him to get back with me. I have to constantly remind myself that the choice I made was for the best. My heart still feels like a part of it is missing. I still don’t know what this means, I don’t know if I will ever find someone that I loved as much as him. I am hopeful that the day I marry “the one” there will be no question in my mind how much he loves me, as much love I give to him I will receive back……and my heart will be complete again. **wishful

xoxo

J

Anatomi of love